Muddy Moose 2017

Let me catch you up:

New job, blah blah blah.

Kids growing up and doing funny things and saying funny things, blah blah blah.

Kids growing up and doing infuriating and saying infuriating things, blah blah blah.

Theater stuff. Funny clips on the internet. Netflix shows you should DEFINITELY watch. Podcasts that if you don't listen to I'm not even sure I can ever talk to you again.

Political stuff (removes cyanide pill from hand, places on counter).

Blah. Blah. Blah blah blah blah.

Okay. Cool. Now you know everything about my life since last August.

And now, Muddy Moose. This is a race I've been itching to do since we moved to this area. Every year it happens in late April and every year, I am either in Florida courtesy of my in-laws or pregnant or recovering from childbirth. (Those last couple only happened 3 times, but pretty much everything lines up that way since 2001).

This year it's a mixed blessing, to say the least, that I am in town for the race (and NOT pre- or post-partum!) My hubs and the fellas are in Florida for the school vacation week but I don't even have a smidgen of the time off accrued to make the trip. So, here I am alone in my house for a week. It's amazing... Everything is so quiet! And clean! But, I'm sure their trip will feel about four days too long cuz I already get the sense that I'm gonna miss them a big chunk. (Shut up! No YOU'RE watching Pokemon episodes and leaving dirty socks in the living room!)

So, Muddy Moose is a trail race. Runners can choose between the 4 mile and 13-ish mile races. Each year the race varies greatly, not because the course necessarily changes (though I think the longer one does) but because the course conditions go 1 - 10 on the mud scale. This year was a 8 or 9 out of 10. It. Was. INSANE! And amazing.

My amazing started the afternoon before because Lauren, my best running friend, made the trek from Burlington, VT. She stayed with me and we got to hang out - JUST US! - to talk jobs and kids and running and family and eat yummy food and watch Kimmy Scmidt on The Netflix and GO TO BED SUPER EARLY!! I mean, c'mon!

Sunday morning proved to offer up perfect weather. We are still pre-black fly season  by a couple of weeks so the blue skies and 50-ish degree start was fabulous with no asterisks or explanatory footnotes. I won't go into many details about the race itself because I'm not sure I can sound sincere - it was THAT good an experience. That good, despite, I have to say, the fall (trip?) Lauren took right at the start - splat flat on her face onto the pavement. And I had my own drama when I turned my left ankle at mile 2 in that way that takes you a couple of minutes to assess how well you're going to be able to shake it off. It was OK but today it is pretty ouchy and, oddly enough, my right side is super sore from my shoulders all the way down to my calves. I have to assume I overcompensated to favor the ankle...? Whatev, Bev, we were and are Warriors so it's fine.

When not falling or almost falling, we enjoyed some hilarious scrambles and even a couple of miles on dirt roads that were a decent pace. There were literally places where we had to cross in crotch-level water. Lauren was millimeters away from losing her shoe in one pond but she managed to bring it up with her foot. That would have been a fun scavenger hunt! On one descent, in fact, I crab walked it because I (wisely) wore pretty crappy shoes and I could NOT get my feet to grip the ground. It was hilarious and only mildly terrifying. We stopped at water stations and chatted with the volunteers. Truly no reason to drink and run. 

One universal truth, no matter the pace among all the runners: SUPER hungry after the race. Sounds dumb, because, of course you would need to refuel after that kind of race, but this was like a SPECIAL kind of starving. And other runners mentioned the same phenomenon. We had eaten a good breakfast and taken in gummies on the course, but something about that challenge really got to us - and everyone - in the belly. So, after hosing off we went into town and did some serious damage on breakfast AND dessert foods. No regrets.

These pics - not QUITE in the muddiest or wettest spots on course - were taken by the great and generous Josh Spaulding reflect exactly the feeling we had on the trail on this amazing day. Here is his write up but I must pull the quote that expresses my performance: ".... and Phoebe VanScoy-Giessler of Tuftonboro placed 62nd in a time of 2:56:03 to round out the official finishers from the local communities." I came in LAST! Well, not literally, but last of anyone who lives any where near here. I feel weird about not feeling weird about that. Honestly, though, anyone who got through that course in ANY time at all was pretty bad ass. 

Thanks for the pics, Josh!

Josh was LITERALLY at on Oriole's game IN Baltimore the night before this race. He made the planes, trains and automobiles all the way back to Wolfeboro to cover this race. And maybe he had other reasons, but, ya know, still!

Lauren is training to pace a friend in a fast marathon over Memorial Day Weekend and she was coming off of a 40+ mile week of training - BEFORE this race. And she still, of course, crushed the course... once she faced facts and tramped the through mud instead of trying to avoid it!

If you've lost that lovin' feeling for running, I highly recommend a trail race. Hell, if you HAVEN'T lost that lovin' feeling for running, I STILL recommend a trail race. Egos need not apply.

No Go G-G-G-Ghost Train, Scoobs

Acceptance. I am working on it. I'm not sure what level of grief that is but I am working my way toward it.

What, you may ask, am I accepting? The short but unclear answer is The Inevitable. The short but with lots of unknowns answer is Giving Up on the Ultra for October 25.

I have not run in 2 1/2 weeks. Today I did one mile - on a track, so I would be sure the surface was best case scenario - and it ached the whole way. I could certainly have gone further. And 3-weeks-ago Phoebe definitely would have. But I have been in touch with my physical therapist - and my Grown Up Self - and knew that was just a big, fat, bad idea.

So, I pulled out of the Ghost Train Ultra. Even if my leg was 100% today running it was going to be truly excruciating at best, given that I have not been able to put in the hours and miles on the road that I really ought to. (Perhaps you have heard or can intuit that running 45 miles is a titch taxing and requires a bit of physical and mental preparation?) But knowing that even a slow, one miler was causing stress on my leg... Correction: a slow one miler after 2.5 weeks off PLUS tons of TLC in the form of foam rolling and stretching and icing and strengthening.... well,  you would have to  be as dumb as 4-weeks-ago Phoebe to think that was an OK plan.

I don't have a new plan right now. I don't even have a new PT appointment right now. Right now I have hotel reservations for the ultra and I plan to volunteer and cheer my ass off for the Badasses who are up to the challenge. My BRF, Lauren, will still give it a go for 30 miles and then she and I will think of something fun to drink, I mean DO, whenever I get off volunteer duty. I mean, it's basically now a girls weekend away without all the pesky chafing and blisters. Two of our pals are going for the full 100 miles so we will be there on Sunday to support them. 

But of course I am sad and mad and frustrated. When I got the green light from PT and the surgeon to do this I kind of thought it was just going to happen. Not that I wasn't going to have to work my ass off for it and not that there would not be struggles along the way. Hard work and struggles are what this whole thing is about. I just thought that I would get to the starting line. 

And now I'm not.

And so I'm sad.

And mad.

And frustrated.

BUT... I got a Facebook message today that took me back almost a year. It was from one of  my Pay it (40)ward friends. My husband's cousin, Kristen, actually. And here is what it said:

Hi Phoebe! Just wanted to send you a note- and this is a really long time coming, but time slips away from me so easily with everything going on.... I wanted to let you know that I elected to use your pay it forward to become a Big Sister for the BBBS program. However, I knew that my company has been struggling financially for a long time now, and so I've been riding it out to see what would happen. Just didn't want to sign up with a child and then find out I have to move for a new job! Sure enough, we had a layoff on August 12. However, it looks like the local job opportunities are plentiful enough that I will end up staying here, so that's what I'll be doing! I can't think of anything that reminds me more of you than helping to nourish kids and their futures, so I've been very much looking forward to using your seed money there. Thanks again and sorry it wasn't more timely for your actual bday!! Have a great weekend

Yeah. Remember Pay it (40)ward?! I almost didn't either.  Somehow I almost managed to forget about this big thing that I started planning last year and all of the great ideas and generous overtures people have made as part of The Plan. How timely that she wrote to me today. Partly because of my silly notion that running 40  miles for my 40th was not enough... And mostly because Kristen is a genuinely awesome human being, some kiddo in the greater Boston area is going to get some  serious 1:1 time with a smart, successful, interesting, caring adult. Yay, Universe! I needed this today!

I also get to try to get into Boston on Monday. If the Universe is giving me any signs at all they are all pointing to a big fat "NO", but here's  hoping that my qualifying time is enough. Last year's entrants had to qualify by a little over 2 minute faster than BQ and I qualified by 4:51 faster. I hope I hope I hope it's enough.

If you're a runner, I hope all of your body parts are treating you kinder than mine are treating me. Run on, dear friends! And run a few for me, please!

Back to (para)normal

It's Sunday night. And just like most of you, I have to go to work in the morning. No. I GET to go to work in the morning. Things are getting back to normal. Well, as normal as they ever get around here.

The weekend was a whirlwind. On Friday I had my first follow up with the surgeon. I took advantage of this last free-ish day to meet my friend, Megan, for lunch. Cannot believe I didn't think to grab a picture of us, as I haven't seen her since the War of 1812 or so. Anyway, it was a long overdue get together. Countless laughs and a couple of hugs and we were both reset to "happy."

My appointment was good, but a bit of a puzzle.

The Good:

The CPM is on the couch, you can see the corner of the 'cooler' on the floor to my left. 

1. The doctor was quite pleased with his work (aren't they always?) and the x-rays they took looked good to me, too. 
2. He also thought my PT progress was quite strong. Little did he know that I brought and used the crutches only as a show for him... I had  been off them since Tuesday. ("Necessity is the mother of recovery"!) The last thing I needed was to waltz(ish) in and have him freak out that I was ruining his reconstruction! 
3. I brought back the CPM (Continuous Perpetual Motion) machine even though I technically can keep it until my next follow up. (It only goes to about 100 degrees and my range of motion is already beyond that). This thing is vital in the beginning but it is a huge and heavy contraption... not conducive in lowering the chaos level in our living room.
4.  He did not manipulate my leg to see how the graft was holding up (Holy OUCH if he had tried that!) 
5. Getting the stitches out was not traumatic. I was concerned about this because on my long incision there were no visible knots and I had this fear that somehow the knots were INSIDE the leg and the nurse would have to pull them through. I was wrong about that, thank goodness! Musta been some fancy knot-less style of stitching. (What a good Boy Scout!)

The Puzzling:

1. He asked me if I was back to work yet. This got me immediately a teeny bit defensive, possibly because I knew that I really would have been able to handle it the last couple of days. My 100% honest response to his question was "I... thought... I... wasn't...allowed... to.. go... until..." He looked over my chart again and agreed that, yes, I did need clearance for Worker's Comp before I could head back to work. Weird.
2. He asked me if I was wearing the brace in bed at night. My 100% answer to that question was, "Well, I was prepared to tell you 'yes,' but it sounds like it's okay with you if I am not. So, uuhhh, no. I have  been taking it off to sleep." He was fine with that.

The reason why those things were puzzling is that they went against the 'strict instructions' I got when I left after the operation. I am starting to see that all of the MUST DOs and MUST DO NOTs are a little more flexible than they sound. Right now I look at the timeline for my physical therapy and I am thinking that I can move things along at a faster clip if I am smart and consistent with my PT. ("Straight Line Jogging" beginning at 3 months, I'm looking at you!) 

I had a great surprise after church today. Jim, my Mile 25 teammate, presented me with this funny, sweet, and STRESS-REDUCING gift:

I was not able to capture it very well with my phone, but what you are looking at is a little plastic Phoebe, complete with a "40" cape, head band, and determined facial expression. His Pay It 40ward project is to create science experiments for kids. In this one, the Plastic Phoebe floats to the top until you squeeze the bottle, whereupon she sinks to the bottom. I believe this phenomenon is called "science". (Yes. My journalism major is showing here!) I am going to bring this awesome gift to work with me and share it with students and staff. They will love it. Thanks, Jim!

Finally, a little photo to show how weird the circulatory system is.... 

The surgery didn't touch that part of me knee at all. And though it's hard to see in this picture, there's a pretty cool looking bruise on the inside of my ankle. I believe this phenomenon is called "science gravity". But I might  be wrong.

OH. WAIT!! FINALLY, finally... A picture of the cake I baked for my amazing co-workers as a thanks for all of their care and support while I've been hobbled:

Thanks for being there when I 'kneed'd' you. Your kindness 'takes the cake'! Onward! -Phoebe

I didn't have my preferred dark chocolate powder (rats)  but I used coconut oil instead of regular vegetable oil. If my tastes of the batter are any indication, it's going to be SOOOO yummy! 

Please keep my dad in your thoughts tomorrow. He's going in to have his horribly messed up shoulder replacement fixed. Keep Mom in there, too, as she's not 100% yet from her falls around here and she'll be busy taking care of him. THANKS!

The patients, three

Patient #1 - Dad. 

No news here, really, but an alarming visual. It looks faked, but it's all too real.

Patient #2  - Mom

She made it home last night around 8pm. My brother, Kwasi, came to the house to help get her stuff unloaded. He also informed her that he would be coming up in the morning to take her to Urgent Care. Good thing! While the doc said she clearly had no broken bones, the bleeding in her arm had continued unabated. That type of wound did not allow for stitches or tape or glue or any of the methods I have ever heard of. Instead, she had to have it.... cauterized. Yes. Cauterized!!!! Gaaaaah! She can take the bandages off in a couple of days and hopefully, it will be done bleeding.

Patient #3 - Me

Some progress today:

1. I drove the car

2. I have no pain in my knee when weight bearing, so I was able to ditch the crutches for a good chunk of the day, which meant....

3. I was able to make dinner and have it ready when Scott and the boys got home. (This is HUGE! I love be catered to every so often but watching Scott & my mom do evvvverything for so long was really hard.)

4. My quad is tired. This is great because it means it is getting worked.

5. PT tomorrow, follow up w surgeon on Friday and, probably, back to work on Monday.

Here's hoping for no more excitement for anyone in my circle for a long time! Well, I'd take a couple million from the lottery or something, but you get the idea!

A rare post from my mobile device... Wonder how it will look?

Breaking Bad(ly): My Poor Mom

After all the nice things I said about her in my last blog post, you think I would be more careful with my mother. Not so much.

Last night she was going out to her car to retrieve something. Our epically icy driveway had another plan. She fell. I was in the bathroom and Scott was cleaning up from dinner so we didn't even realize she went out. When she came back in she reported that she "lay there awhile" before she decided she should/could get up. The first concern we had was the cut on her arm. It was not deep, really, but it was... well, I think the technical term is 'gross'. We found some gauze, wrapped her up, and gave her an ice pack. It would have been amusing, the picture of me on the couch with my bum leg and her on the rocking chair with her bloody arm, if it weren't so alarming. And, to be honest, inconvenient! Having 2 of 3 adults moderately disabled in a house with 3 kids is tough!

Thankfully it was pretty close to Gabe's bedtime and I was able to get him in jammies (yay! I can manage 1-legged squats to the floor to do diaper and clothes changes!) and Scott put him to bed. Gungah went (carefully!) to bed, too, and we were hopeful that things would  be easier in the morning.

Oddly enough, things don't always look better in the morning.

When she got up things were decidedly not easier. She now sported an enormous bruise underneath the cut and realized during the night that she had conked her head a good bit, too, during the fall. Ever the trooper, she took some Ibuprofen and we all powered through a rough morning. The plan was to have Mom drop the kids off with one of my co-workers at a half way point to school and she would take them the rest of the way. (EVEN dropping Gabe at daycare. HUGE!) Because of her fall and because, despite my gimpiness, I am still able to lift things, I decided that I would get Gabe loaded up into the car, ride to the meeting spot and get him loaded into the other car. (He has been an absolute horror show getting in and out of carseats and I didn't want to put that on anyone outside of my bloodline!) I was scurrying around to get myself out the door as everyone else was doing the same. I hollered at least 3 times, "DO NOT TRY TO LIFT GABE!"

Tom heard me. Elliott heard me. I'm sure Gabe heard me. Mom says she didn't hear me.

[Drum roll the inevitable.... ]

She was stepping down into the garage, carrying Dr. Chunk and she fell.

Again.

This time it was her ankle, mostly. Tommy was on it and yelled for me immediately. I scrambled to the door and hauled Gabe off of her lap. I told the boys to go inside. They were confused and worried. I called my husband and upon his answering said what must have been pretty alarming: "You need to come home right now!" (To my credit, he had called just minutes before and said if I needed anything to call and he would walk out the door right away. So, it wasn't like he hadn't offered!)

Meanwhile, Gungah was still sitting on the floor of the garage and Gabe was standing on the porch screaming his head off. Not because he was hurt but because he didn't want to go back inside. He wanted to ride in Gungah's car!

She refused to let me help her up (maybe a wise choice) but eventually Mom was able to limp her way back into the house. I cleared the couch of my torture rack and took a look at her ankle. It was slightly swollen but she could roll it, so it did not seem like a break. I gave her a towel, ice pack, and wrapped it in an ace bandage, just as Scott arrived.....

She thought at first she broke it, so I guess we are actually in good shape here.

Since I had PT at 9:00 and we were obviously not going to allow Mom to do anything except sit and rest her leg. And her arm. And her head .... I rode to school and daycare drop off  with Scott and the boys and he dropped me off at PT. (Still an APB out on my right quad muscle, by the way. Where, or where, could it be?)

I got home and mom was still waiting for her cell phone to ring.

What? That doesn't make sense? Oh. Right. I didn't tell you about my DAD, did I...?

Back in February, Dad had his shoulder replaced. He is a pro at these things, as he has already had a hip replacement, several shoulder surgeries, a lobotomy.... you get the drill. When you have shoulder surgery in general, and shoulder replacement specifically, it's really hard to do little things. You know, little things like get out of bed, get dressed, maintain your own personal hygiene....

When Mom arrived here she was a little worried that he was overly dependent on her but was determined that it would be good for him to start doing for himself a little more. She talked to him several times a day and he sounded, she said, kind of depressed. He was having a hard time doing the things she always did. Not too surprising. But he was still able to do most of the social things he had on the calendar: high school play, church, committee meetings. It was a little red and swollen one day, so there was some concern about infection, but that seemed to calm down. So, really, how bad could it be?

Apparently it could  be pretty darn bad. Yesterday he had an appointment with his GP. The doc took a look at his shoulder and said that it appeared that somehow the surgery had failed. Dad needed to get back to his surgeon ASAP.

Oh. Sh*t.

ASAP turned out to  be this morning at 8:45. Hence my broken mother sitting in a chair with her cell phone on her lap willing it to ring. My cousin, Kevin, retired last summer and was happy to drive Dad to the appointment. We know he got there. But what the HELL was taking so long for them to call back? Finally, a little after 11AM, the call came.

The ball of his arm is out of the shoulder socket. The surgeon (a guy who Dad has known since he was a teenager.... a guy who Dad taught to play hockey... a guy who always has another story about Dad every time he sees him... a guy who just plain loves my dad....) was extremely upset by this. He will need to have another operation to get it repaired. That operation is on Monday. Kevin and Dad had already talked about the logistics of getting things taken care of without Mom there to help, including picking up the High Test pain meds Dad would get to use to keep him sane until the repair.

But Mom knew I it. I knew it. Scott knew it. There's only one thing to know:

Mom needed to go home.

So, she is. She is on her way right now, actually, busted up body parts and all.

Lucky for me, I got pushy with my surgeon's office and now I have permission to drive. This takes care of 999 of my 1,000 foreseeable problems. I also have permission to bear 50% weight on my leg. Thank. The. Lord.

If you have me on any sort of prayer list, I surely appreciate it, but I would ask that any that you have for me be tossed over to my parents. And everyone living at 84 Benton Rd., for that matter. (A totally different blog post...)

P.S. Oddly enough, the only time my dad can think of when he might have hurt his shoulder, causing it to 'undo' his surgery was when he was driving in his car and he sneezed. Yup. It sounds like a sneeze may be the culprit for his troubles. Crazy, huh?

Pay it 40ward in Action: Mile 12. (Oh, yeah. And that surgery-thing today.)

Today's the big day. I go into the surgery center at 12:30PM for my ACL (and possible MCL) repair. The boys are at school. Gabe is at daycare. It's 9:51AM. And I.AM.HUNGRY!

You probably know that I am a gal who does NOT miss a meal. Or a snack. Or any opportunity to eat, really.

So given that it's 9:51AM and I have not had anything to eat since about 7:30 last night... (It was ice cream. Delicious, scrumptious, creamy, calorie-full, life-giving ICE CREAM!)... I am HUNGRY. I don't wear hungry well.

But, it's all for the good. I can't believe how much I am capable of totally dreading and totally looking forward to getting this thing done. It's going to be a really ugly couple of days. There's no getting around it.

Enough about ice cream and cake and french toast and lasagna and avocados. (I am killing me).

Today I share my Mile 12 teammate's report. I think you will chuckle and perhaps notice a family resemblance in Meghan's sense of humor.

Greetings and Happy 40 and Fabulous Birthday!!

I regret that my report is overdue, but that is true to form with me. I actually completed my Pay It 40-ward assignment about a month ago now. Whew, where did that time go?! I spent many hours contemplating what I could do that would make a proper difference for the grand scheme that you put into action. I shared a video on Facebook a couple of months ago (darned if I can find it now!) that depicted a couple of guys saying "This should be the next big craze". The video went on to show them giving to the homeless - food, clothes, shoes, etc. So in that light, I started scouring the stores for items for a week or two, particularly hats and warm clothes going on clearance that would help me get more bang for my bucks. I can't even begin to tell you how many people that I shared your Pay It 40-ward information with!! And everyone that I talked to agreed on two things; 1) you're crazy and 2) you're a genius!! The order of the opinions varied, but I think they both apply pretty equally. Anyway, I gathered 20 knit hats, some gloves, socks, sweatpants, insulated shirts, toothbrushes, toothpaste, Kleenex and razors. No, I couldn't make your initial $5 go quite that far, but once you start "running" with an idea like this, it's sort of hard to stop. I took the donation to The Open Door Mission here in Rochester. Considering the weather that we have been continuing to get, I'm sure that my donations were put to good use. Thank you so much for your fabulous idea, dedication and endless inspiration!! Teagan and I are already planning to make more donations in the future.

The scene of Meghan's 40-ward love!

 Oh, almost forgot, Teagan was nice enough to join me tonight when I went out to put on my "Miles for Phoebe". We walked about 4.5 miles, so 9 between the two of us. She thinks I'm crazy now because I kept waving at all of the cars coming at us. It's okay, I am, maybe a little. It's in the genes. We had a great time, and I'm sure you would have been waving right along with me!! Thank you for being the fabulous genius that created Pay It 40-ward, and helped me make a difference and some awesome memories with my daughter!! ♥♥

Genetically disposed to outlandish friendliness!

Love, Meghan

Thanks so much, Meghan, for braving the elements and for giving to such a worthy cause! And, oh yeah, I still haven't added up all the miles people ran for  me. It's a lot. Like, a METRIC LOT of miles. 

Pay it 40-ward in Action: Mile 10 +

More and more and more Miles and 40-wards and Wonderfuls!

From Mandy, my Mile 10 friend who I saw at least half a dozen times this winter. With each meeting, she sincerely and warmly told me what a great idea she thought Pay it 40-ward was. Here's her write up about the experience. It goes pretty well beyond $5... pretty cool:

So. I didn't run. I am not a runner. I am a skier. Sorry. But, I wanted to let you know that your 40th birthday has impacted me in a much different way. I am as you know, vehemently opposed to animal testing and the fur industry. However, I eat meat. This has plagued me in the guilt department for years. So, In honor of you (the awesome veg that you are) Hunter and I have been going vegetarian about 4 nights a week now since the beginning of the year! It is so much fun. I apparently love Pesto! Who knew? Also I make a killer sweet potato ratatouille. I am trying to live my life now with less hypocrisy. I realize that we all have some, but to lessen it is a perhaps good thing. So thank you. Also-can we swap some recipes? I want to keep this beautiful thing going. Also what became of your $5.00? It went to the North Conway Humane Society where 11 Brittany Spaniels from Tamworth were rescued out of a dire, hoarding/breeding facility. I told the Shelter all about your 40th birthday and paying it forward and added an extra $20.00. You inspire me! 

Love, your Mile 10

Did I mention I know Mandy from theater? But, of course, this is just her on a typical Tuesday morning....

And from Mile 35, Belynda... these miles:

Phoebe,

Thinking of you today. Coincidentally, I had signed up for a 5k Lucky Leprechaun today run that I ran in this morning. It is no where near the amount of miles and effort that you were going to put in, but you did some running in spirit with me today. Please note the (almost) and the 4-point-0 :) I'm hopeful you will have successful surgery and PT to be back at pounding the pavement as soon as possible.


Warm Wishes,
Belynda

B, a Lepre-CAN, not a Lepre-CAN''T

Cindy - Mile 22 says....

Okay, here are my miles. I couldn't figure out how to post the odometer photo on the other page. I did 4 miles for you today, Phoebe. I haven't run in several years and I must say it was not pretty. I had just slightly better time than walking them 13:00s instead of 15:00s but the point was to run where you couldn't. Glad I could do my part. Oh and to have the full experience I am now icing my knee. Much love!

Dreadmills Tell No Lies. (They just make us cry!)

Bethany -  Mile 4, was a WAY overachiever on this! Thanks for even more double-digit miles today, Bethany!:

Logged you another 13.68 today to go with my 10.7 yesterday .... The scenery was rough and the blue skies blazing with 80+ degrees torture ... But I endured and am about to head to Albuquerque ... Hope your birthday has rocked in spite of it all!!! 

Hollywood Sign waaayyyy  back there!

Mandy, Mile 11 and a BAMR, participated in a 5-mile Shamrock Shuffle today. Along for the run was her husband, John. Together, that's 10 VERY CHILLY miles they ran for me. (A slight contrast to Bethany's in LA!)

Tutu Envy Abounds!

This from Saralyn, who did the way-cool 40-ward idea 

Today is my cousin Phoebe VanScoy Giessler's 40th birthday. To celebrate she was going to run a forty mile race yesterday.... But unfortunately she is down for the count and needs knee surgery. In your honor, phoebe, we busted out the jogging stroller for 4 miles and our first outdoor run of the season. I have a long way to go until I'm a badass mother runner like you!! Happy happy birthday!

Saralyn is in Colorado so she runs at, like, 900,00 feet or something. Like Sandra Bullock in Gravity but without the oxygen mask..

Mile 20, 32, and 34 (Lauren, Rebekah and Vicki) all got together today and ran for a total of 66 miles! (WHAT!?) These three amazing Vermont ladies were committed to running with me in-person on Saturday, so I love the fact that they were still able to get a long run in together. Lauren says: I figure we logged 66 miles collectively and thought of you a lot along the way. We will be together this time next year for an amazing, inspiring, beautiful run. Until then, take care of you. Happy pay it 40ward.

Okay... that's all for tonight. I have SO much more to share. But, c'mon... who's still reading all these tonight. 

This was, honestly, the best birthday of my life. And I've had a pretty awesome life and some exceptionally awesome birthdays. 

Onward and fortyward, ya'll! 

The Miles... oh, the miles!

I'm going to try to post more of the mileage of the wonderful joiner-inners of Pay it 40-ward shared with me. I'll do the addition tomorrow, as I know there will be more coming in. Thank you ALL for the amazing efforts!

Catherine - An awesome day for a run here in WI, too! 30 degrees, the headwind wasn't too bad, and there were very few ice fields to tip toe across. 9.3 miles, just for Phoebe!

Angie - Gus and I ran/walked/sniffed/explored/peed/dodged puddles for a little over 6.5 miles for you!

Bethany - Yesterday I wandered around LA with 10.7 miles of walking recorded on the day 40ward would have occurred ... However I promised a beach run so today I hope to make it to the beach to log my actual "run" (I will use that word loosely ) — feeling wonderful with Phoebe VanScoy Giessler at Mayfair Hotel L.A.

Katherine - (In a comment after reading the blog about Saralyn's very grand Pay it 40ward idea... )I love this!!!!!'
Mostly grateful I have such rich and inspiring friends and family. Not only will we do this for Francesca's first birthday- but here is a mile for you Phoebe!

Kim: Nothing says I love you quite like 10.2 miles at 9:22 pace on a TREADMILL in the dead of winter. Happy 40ward Phoebe VanScoy Giessler!! I'm feeling like a badass mother runner for the first time since the half marathon in October ! Thank you my friend!

Jodi (Coach of the famous CCS track team) This is for my friend and former track buddy, Phoebe!!!

Anika & Lara... We just walked 3+3=6 miles for you! We almost wiped out on the ice and were blown away on the roaring wind....but we walked to celebrate your birth and your rockin' spirit!



Alison

Beautiful day in atlanta for 8 miles.

I know I am missing some that have been sent... .I will continue to hunt. Back to work! And did I say THANK YOU?!? 

Gimme a P.... Gimme a T!

Because this is February vacation, I'm doing my best to make PT my full time job this week. Don't be envious. The pay is terrible and the working conditions leave me a little sore. But, they tell me the benefits are well worth it, so on I go.

I no longer have the visual stimuli of my 40-miler training grid, nor the satisfaction of crossing the days and miles off as I go along, so yesterday I created a substitute for PT. My goal is to do the strength and stretching exercises twice a day. This includes knee-specific stuff as well as general things that I have found I can do without pain to my knee. It's no 60 minute sweat session, but there is some satisfaction is checking things off and/or marking off the number of sets and reps I have done.

I saw my physical therapist, Kevin, again yesterday. I definitely feel that I'm making progress with my range of motion and I'm starting see a glimmer of muscle tone in my quad. One weird thing is that I can't shake the limp that I have. There's no real reason for it, it's just a habit, I think, trying to protect the knee. It's still a  bit stiff when I walk normally, but there's no reason, except laziness, I guess, for me to have a hitch in my giddyup.

Kevin has given me permission to do whatever strength and stretching I can handle, as long as I don't feel pain in the MCL. (That's the big ligament on the inside of the knee). I haven't seen the MRI, but based on what hurts, I think the worst of the damage I did was to that area. It's still very tender and unlike the other parts of my knee, does not let me forget it's around. The sort of weird thing is that one never gets an MCL repair surgery. This is because (and I'm explaining this based on my understanding of Kevin's explanation to me, my comprehension of which was definitely at about a 4th grade level!) that fibers in that ligament are not as dense and rope-like as the ACL and they are able to repair themselves. All I can think of is a starfish re-growing one of its legs.... which is cool, I suppose.

Speaking of ACL, I am once again feeling more and more certain that the surgery is going to happen. This is based on nothing, really, except my own desire to not spend the next 60 years (I plan to live to 100... I figure if I get my kids to the ages of 70, 68 and 62 I will have fulfilled my parenting obligations) worried about my knee giving out. In an effort to get my head on straight, I have an appointment with another orthopedic surgeon next Friday. This doctor is an Ironman and comes highly recommended by the members of my medical team who are athletes. Obviously, much more to come on that.

I was the beneficiary of a borrowed bike yesterday. (Thank you, Kathleen!) I still need to get my hands on a trainer so I can set it up, but I have a good hunch that the one I have a line on will come through soon. Once that comes into the house, look out... (For my sore butt, I mean. I am SO not used to sitting on a bike seat!)

I'll end this with my Tweet from earlier today. It reflects the way I'm feeling about my situation at the moment:

• SO MUCH PT.

  Get strong & mobile. 

  So knee can get cut open 

  & destroyed. 

  Leading to

  SO MUCH PT.

  Get strong & mobile.

  #headdown #runsomeday

And, just because I have not showed them off lately, some pictures of my kids at the Children's Museum we visited on Wednesday. If we had that train set at our house, I would never have to put on an episode of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood again. Oh well....

Clear as mud

Have you ever had two people you like and respect disagree about the right course of action?

Have you ever heard an opinion and been completely swayed... until you got in the room with someone of a different opinion whereupon you completely agreed with the second person? 

That's happened to me plenty. Normally it leaves me feeling frustrated with myself for my inability to take a side. This means I might go into a voting booth and check a box I'm not entirely sure about. Or it means I raise my hand during a meeting vote with my eyes cast down since I'm not feeling confident about my choice.

In this case, I don't have the luxury of being one vote among many. In this case, I am the one and only decider. So in this case, I had damn well better figure out what I want to do and believe in it before I make a decision.

In case you haven't guessed, the opinion of my physical therapist, Kevin, is that I should have the ACL reconstruction. He agrees with the surgeon that I could probably get along without it... IF I contained my running to flat, even surfaces with no sharp turns. (Uuuhhhh, there's no such thing in this neck of the woods....) If I "PT my way to health" and start to run, he says, my knee will not be completely stable and I carry the significant risk of doing serious damage to the meniscus - which is pretty much the end of running.

This all sounds really reasonable.

But, remember yesterday? The doctor said he thinks I have a partial, not a complete tear. (The PT's clinical assessment was a bit more grim. He didn't feel the ligament 'stopping' the bones from pulling apart). He said that people over-operate on ACLs unneccesarily. He says, given my first go-round in 1994, the ACL repair might be more trouble than its worth.

Seeing as I have just come from PT, my opinion on the matter more closely matches that of Kevin. 

For now, I go forward with PT twice a week. Even in the short time I was there today, I saw huge improvements in my ability to bend and straighten the leg.  With the seat raised comically high, I was able to spin a little on the stationary bike today. When I started out, it was SO hard to get the knee bent enough at the height of the peddle. But, as I went along for a few minutes, it got less and less tight and I was basically pain free after 7 or 8 minutes. Huh. 

I have lots of exercises to do at home. Not the impressive kind. Just the small movements in the quad and gentle extension and flexion stretches to increase my range of motion. It's boring stuff but very important... and not easy, let me tell you.

I don't have to decide yet what I'm going to do. I am glad that I get to decide, I think, but it would be simpler if it was someone elses job to make the choice.

The idea of surgery is horrifying for so many reasons. First, I have to PT back to full range of motion and strength for a few weeks in order to have the operation... only to then be cut open and destroyed.... so that I can then return to PT in order to regain full range of motion and strength. Blech. Second, surgery itself is hard. It just is. I don't handle anesthesia that well and I am pretty worried about infection, given my history and especially how deadly many of them are these days.

The idea of living my life in a physically-cautious way is also horrifying. I can't fathom worrying about every uneven sidewalk or root-laden hike or fast corner I run around. I still have young kids, so there is a lot of tag and hide-n-seek in my future. Do I want to be 'that' mom who can't run and play? No, thank you!

I feel especially tired today and I don't think it has anything to do with how much rest I'm getting or how much energy I am burning. Not knowing the right road to take is just plain exhausting.

(Weird) MRI Results

No one is good at waiting. I don't think I am especially impatient, but I am certainly not Zen about it. Waiting for two weeks to find out the extent of  my knee injury has  been exceptionally unfun.

There was just so much time for predicting what the MRI would say. Every new bruise that appeared, each new 'tweak' I felt, any glimmer of modest healing gave rise to another cockamamie idea of what I had done to myself. From "I'm just a wuss and it's fine, really, if I'd just put on my Big Girl pants" to "I will need a total knee replacement... and possibly a liver and transplant."

Following each theory, of course, comes recovery scenarios from A - Z: "I'll be running again in March" to "I'll be one of those people on the Scooter at WalMart any day now."

Okay, even I'm not prone to THAT extreme thinking, but you get the idea.....

I sported this shirt, just in case the Doctor was not clear on my objective.

FINALLY, this morning, I got to see Dr. Barton, the orthopedic surgeon. This story starts pretty bleak, but stick with me....

As I sat and waited, I made an outline of information I needed filled in. The paper I was using had a fancy-fonted "HOPE" written at the top. I deliberately chose it because it is my mom's name and because it was what I was clinging to. I traced over the word hundreds and hundreds of times in the waiting room. The fancy HOPE slowly de-volved into a sloppy HOPE as my mannish handwriting covered up the curlicues.

I was teary, literally, waiting and waiting and waiting to be seen. To be fair, he wasn't really that late. I was a bit early and he was about 10 minutes behind. It felt like a century.

When I got into the exam room for more waiting, I sat on the table and did crunches and V-seats and leg lifts and any other strength training moves I could think of. Had to feel like this waiting had some purpose, other than making me weepy.

When he walked in he immediately asked if I had been made aware of the results. I think I earned a gold star for not screaming "NOOOOOO! I HAVE NOT! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!!" Instead, I (relatively) calmly informed him that his office said I needed to wait for my appointment. He was horrified how long I had had to wait and apologized, saying he could tell that I wanted to get things in motion. The results of the MRI were, to put it mildly, not what I wanted to hear:

ACL: Grade 3 (complete) tear
MCL: Grade 3 (complete) tear
Meniscus: no damage

While it's true, it could have been worse, this was bad, bad, BAD news. I have experience with ACL repair surgery, as you may recall, and it was so very hard. And I was so very much younger then..... So, I took this information badly. Very badly, in fact. I laid back on the exam table, not hiding my crying, and said, "Shit. This is horrible. This is the worst news.... (Deep breath). Okay. I want the surgery tomorrow."

It will not shock you to learn that, in fact, I am not having surgery tomorrow....

Dr. Barton reminded me that not all ACL tears require surgery. (And I thought, "Yeah, but I am an ATHLETE. I want the repair!") He said that too many people rush into surgery after something like this and it might not be necessary. ("Right. For geriatrics who only want to shuffle to the mailbox and their bird feeders everyday....") He said even if surgery was the right course of action, he would not touch my knee until the range of motion had vastly improved. (I cannot quite straighten it and can only bend it a tiny bit beyond 90 degrees.) His reasoning, irksomely solid, is that operating on a knee with poor range of motion means that knee will pretty much always have poor range of motion. To go under the knife I will need to be able to go from 0 - 140 degrees flexion.

He then proceeded to do a clinical exam of both of my knees, and this is where things got more interesting and HOPEFUL. He thinks that my knee has healed vastly since my exam by Tim O'Brien a week and half ago and since the MRI five days ago. He thinks, in fact, that I do NOT have a complete tear of the ACL and MCL. His manipulating of the knee leads him to believe that a better guess would  be a grade 1 tear to each of these. There is, he believes, some tissue connecting all the parts together.

I still don't fully understand how the 'picture proof' of an MRI can be wrong. If it's torn, it's torn, right? And I asked him that. But he said something I will never forget:

"I don't treat MRIs. I treat patients."

Well, that works out pretty well, seeing as I am a patient and not an MRI. I like this doctor.

And that's when I remembered the info about the meniscus. "And, not having meniscus damage is really important for a runner, right?" He agreed. A meniscus problem is far worse than ACL or MCL strains and sprains when it comes to running. Okay. Breathing.

Whatever the future decision about surgery is, I need to get into PT quickly, improve my range of motion,and maintain some semblance of strength. I asked specifically for Kevin at Action Sports, the PT I used for a knee overuse injury last spring, and he said "That's perfect. That's who I would want for you." Another big "Yes!" moment. The doctor made the call and the appointment is set for 9:45 tomorrow morning. (Blessedly, this is February Vacation week for us, so making these appointments is not too much of a problem.... come next week it may get dicey.)

Better notes than I took at any of my appointments with my Midwife.
(Well, after kid #1, anyway)

I don't know what I really thought I was going to hear today. I guess I should not be surprised that I am still, somewhat, in no-runner's-land as far as surgery is concerned. I am feeling very confident about the medical professionals who are advising me, exceptionally thrilled with my PT "handler", and -once again - very lucky to be surrounded by people who are supporting me in this. Thank you.

Onward. 

Yup. He totally signed my tights.

I Heart The Mail!

I got another very sweet (literally) package in the  mail today! This one is from my niece, Maddy, who lives near Philadelphia. Maddy is a HILARIOUS 6th grader who's going to be 12 in like 2 minutes. She also happens to be a natural runner (long legged and lean) and she has a stage presence many of us wannabe musical comedy performers would give our favorite character shoes for. (Oddly enough, I don't actually own character shoes. Weird....) I have a feeling that her mom (my sister, Heidi,) might have played a small role in this very clever gift.

Chocolate + Running Bunny = Perfect Get Well Gift! 

Thank you, Maddy, for the note and the delicious treat. I plan to devour it tomorrow! The note has been added to my display of knee healing well-wishes.

I also got a very nice email from my neighbor and theater friend, Carol, who offered to make a meal for our family. She even offered a menu of options so I could pick something that everyone would enjoy! As much as I feel betrayed by the universe that I had this stupid fall, in so many ways it is so good to be me right now. Thank you, Carol! The mac and cheese will be devoured, I'm sure.

As you may recall, I had my MRI on Wednesday. It was uneventful, unless you count the fact that I nodded off and was slightly annoyed that the technicians kept waking me up to make sure I was doing okay. Seriously, between the Jack Johnson on the headphones, the white noise of the magnetic fields coursing through my soft tissue (that's basically what it is, right? I didn't bother to look it up...), and the complete lack of anyone asking me to do anything except breath and not move for about 40 minutes... it was heaven! I told them that they could make a nice side business by renting out their machine to moms who need a place to take a rest and be left alone for 45 minutes during the day. (Sans the the pulsing magnetic fields, of course). If they pull it off maybe I can collect a percentage of their income.

Another "huh" is that this MRI machine is a 'mobile' one. It's parked just outside the hospital and you literally take a forklift-style lift up to the trailer to get in. Much to my own amusement, I 'mooo'd' as we went up.The imaging department and the mobile lab are physically as far apart from each other as is possible at this small hospital. I enjoyed that irony, too. (She offered a wheelchair, but I passed).

I also got the technicians, one of whom was a very empathetic mother runner!, to be the first two non-family member signatures on my "Comeback" tights. Yay!

And now I wait. I knew the technicians wouldn't tell me anything just after the reading. I asked anyway. And I knew no one would tell me anything when I called the doctor's office the next morning. I called anyway. And I knew they STILL wouldn't tell me anything when I called the doctor's office AGAIN this morning. I called anyway. In my defense, the call today was not just to solidify the "Crazy Impatient Lady" status; we had an ice storm and I thought maybe another patient would cancel and I could sneak in to see the doctor. He wasn't in today, so no luck.

So, I will muddle through this (busy) weekend and hear the scoop at 8:45 on Monday morning. I can't get over the fact that there are people on this planet that know what's wrong with my knee but I don't. Bugs me, really, but there's nothing I can do. And I realize the frustration I feel is nothing compared to that of people with *real* medical concerns like cancer who get left flapping in the wind. "PERSPECTIVE, DUMMY!"

Even though I will undoubtedly regret writing this ... but why filter now?... my knee feels a lot better today. Like, a LOT better. I still have terrible range of motion and it's still pretty swollen, but it feel much less floppy than it did before. This leads me to think that I might have an intact ACL, which would be amazing. The PA told me that a range of motion issue could be related to a damaged meniscus. At this moment, then, my money's on torn MCL and meniscus. Surgery, still, but not the epic flavor that I had 20 years ago. Oh, how I hated that ACL surgery and its recovery....

I won't get my hopes up too high. I will, however, enjoy the fact that I was able to get some house cleaning done today with very little pain.

A clean toilet is always a plus.

Pay it 40-ward: How's July look?

I am at work during my lunch break and I don't have time to think too much about this.

Which is probably good.

Idea came to  me as I was driving in with the boys and discussing our July 4th plans.

I still don't know the results of my MRI.

But.... maybe....

Forty For the Fourth?

I could run in my hometown where it's flat. I could even do loops, which would make it easier for those who want to do some but not all of it with me.

Obviously it would not have to be exactly ON the Fourth.

This is complete cart before the horse. I have no idea what I'm up against yet.

But it makes me grin.

A glimmer....

MRI Scheduled! + a very special mail call

At last, the folks at the Worker's Comp company returned the call from my ortho doc's office and I have an MRI tomorrow morning. If you are a praying kind, the die is cast on the damage that's done but I DO pray for a clear picture of what the problem(s) are. So, maybe pray for a good photographer. (And maybe I can get tapped for America's Next Top Messed Up Knee Ligament Model. Now THERE'S a catwalk I would tune in to see!) Also, pray that I have an empty bladder going in... cuz, well, ya know!

My follow up will be with a surgeon next Monday. This is not my first choice, since I really want to go back to Tim, the PA/marathoner/Ironman/All Around Awesome Guy, but he's on vacation starting today for 10 days and my head would explode if I had to wait that long to get the results. From there, probably surgery and PT out the patootee.

When I got home today (we had an early release.... Again..... Because of snow..... Yes..... More snow... We're thrilled... Really...) there were two pieces of mail that were of interest to me. One was this:

Paperwork from the Worker's Comp company. Dig the Evil Corp. name: Primex3. For REAL. Also, in case you were interested in stealing my identity, I've made it a teeny bit harder with my mad Microsoft Paint skills. I know you wanna be me....

So this means more forward movement on that front. Apparently they will come see me in person to confirm that I actually am disabled. It makes me feel a little icky that they are going to do that... like I've done something wrong by making the claim. Oh, well. I guess they get enough false claims that they have to do this stuff. I'm certainly not claiming to be completely disabled.... but there's definitely going to be some time away from work... Whatever. I am not going to worry about this for now.

Okay. So the AMAAAAAZING things I got in the mail were from the daughters of my Pay It 40-ward teammate, Kim. Shelby is 9 and Phoebe (YES! She has a munchkin named Phoebe!!) is 6. They have watched their Mama evolve into a serious BAMR over the last couple of years and have, by association, been following my Pay it 40-ward drama as well. Kim reports that when she read my post about the injury, it actually made her cry and the girls were wondering what was wrong. When she told them, they went right to their craft table to create these bracelets and cards. How supremely amazing is that?! I told Kim "Now I know how it might feel to have daughters!"

Dory. Being bestowed this gem is meaningful because, well, "just keep swimming!" is a great motto for me right now AND she is a precious commodity to Kim's girls! Wow. 

Love the colors! My theory on the choices is thus:
Blue & White are the colors of my high school alma mater, where the girls' dad is a PE teacher and coach and also Yankee colors. (This family is Yankees crazed... in a nice way, of course.) The pink I have to attribute to my cousin Polly, whom they knew and loved, and her fight against breast cancer. Black is probably because... errr... it's the darkest before the dawn, maybe?

From Shelby: "Feel better soon! I know you work really hard!!" (I am "Big Phoebe" How cool is that?) 

From Phoebe: "Get well soon Big Phoebe!" (Note the hearts on the exclamation points and the "40 miles" finisher's medal.)

These treasures are on display of the glass doors of my 'work out' room. They will definitely inspire me as I brave what's ahead. Thank you Kim, Shelby and Phoebe! I can't express how kind and meaningful those drawings and bracelets are to me!