(Weird) MRI Results

No one is good at waiting. I don't think I am especially impatient, but I am certainly not Zen about it. Waiting for two weeks to find out the extent of  my knee injury has  been exceptionally unfun.

There was just so much time for predicting what the MRI would say. Every new bruise that appeared, each new 'tweak' I felt, any glimmer of modest healing gave rise to another cockamamie idea of what I had done to myself. From "I'm just a wuss and it's fine, really, if I'd just put on my Big Girl pants" to "I will need a total knee replacement... and possibly a liver and transplant."

Following each theory, of course, comes recovery scenarios from A - Z: "I'll be running again in March" to "I'll be one of those people on the Scooter at WalMart any day now."

Okay, even I'm not prone to THAT extreme thinking, but you get the idea.....

I sported this shirt, just in case the Doctor was not clear on my objective.

FINALLY, this morning, I got to see Dr. Barton, the orthopedic surgeon. This story starts pretty bleak, but stick with me....

As I sat and waited, I made an outline of information I needed filled in. The paper I was using had a fancy-fonted "HOPE" written at the top. I deliberately chose it because it is my mom's name and because it was what I was clinging to. I traced over the word hundreds and hundreds of times in the waiting room. The fancy HOPE slowly de-volved into a sloppy HOPE as my mannish handwriting covered up the curlicues.

I was teary, literally, waiting and waiting and waiting to be seen. To be fair, he wasn't really that late. I was a bit early and he was about 10 minutes behind. It felt like a century.

When I got into the exam room for more waiting, I sat on the table and did crunches and V-seats and leg lifts and any other strength training moves I could think of. Had to feel like this waiting had some purpose, other than making me weepy.

When he walked in he immediately asked if I had been made aware of the results. I think I earned a gold star for not screaming "NOOOOOO! I HAVE NOT! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!!" Instead, I (relatively) calmly informed him that his office said I needed to wait for my appointment. He was horrified how long I had had to wait and apologized, saying he could tell that I wanted to get things in motion. The results of the MRI were, to put it mildly, not what I wanted to hear:

ACL: Grade 3 (complete) tear
MCL: Grade 3 (complete) tear
Meniscus: no damage

While it's true, it could have been worse, this was bad, bad, BAD news. I have experience with ACL repair surgery, as you may recall, and it was so very hard. And I was so very much younger then..... So, I took this information badly. Very badly, in fact. I laid back on the exam table, not hiding my crying, and said, "Shit. This is horrible. This is the worst news.... (Deep breath). Okay. I want the surgery tomorrow."

It will not shock you to learn that, in fact, I am not having surgery tomorrow....

Dr. Barton reminded me that not all ACL tears require surgery. (And I thought, "Yeah, but I am an ATHLETE. I want the repair!") He said that too many people rush into surgery after something like this and it might not be necessary. ("Right. For geriatrics who only want to shuffle to the mailbox and their bird feeders everyday....") He said even if surgery was the right course of action, he would not touch my knee until the range of motion had vastly improved. (I cannot quite straighten it and can only bend it a tiny bit beyond 90 degrees.) His reasoning, irksomely solid, is that operating on a knee with poor range of motion means that knee will pretty much always have poor range of motion. To go under the knife I will need to be able to go from 0 - 140 degrees flexion.

He then proceeded to do a clinical exam of both of my knees, and this is where things got more interesting and HOPEFUL. He thinks that my knee has healed vastly since my exam by Tim O'Brien a week and half ago and since the MRI five days ago. He thinks, in fact, that I do NOT have a complete tear of the ACL and MCL. His manipulating of the knee leads him to believe that a better guess would  be a grade 1 tear to each of these. There is, he believes, some tissue connecting all the parts together.

I still don't fully understand how the 'picture proof' of an MRI can be wrong. If it's torn, it's torn, right? And I asked him that. But he said something I will never forget:

"I don't treat MRIs. I treat patients."

Well, that works out pretty well, seeing as I am a patient and not an MRI. I like this doctor.

And that's when I remembered the info about the meniscus. "And, not having meniscus damage is really important for a runner, right?" He agreed. A meniscus problem is far worse than ACL or MCL strains and sprains when it comes to running. Okay. Breathing.

Whatever the future decision about surgery is, I need to get into PT quickly, improve my range of motion,and maintain some semblance of strength. I asked specifically for Kevin at Action Sports, the PT I used for a knee overuse injury last spring, and he said "That's perfect. That's who I would want for you." Another big "Yes!" moment. The doctor made the call and the appointment is set for 9:45 tomorrow morning. (Blessedly, this is February Vacation week for us, so making these appointments is not too much of a problem.... come next week it may get dicey.)

Better notes than I took at any of my appointments with my Midwife.
(Well, after kid #1, anyway)

I don't know what I really thought I was going to hear today. I guess I should not be surprised that I am still, somewhat, in no-runner's-land as far as surgery is concerned. I am feeling very confident about the medical professionals who are advising me, exceptionally thrilled with my PT "handler", and -once again - very lucky to be surrounded by people who are supporting me in this. Thank you.

Onward. 

Yup. He totally signed my tights.

A great idea, getting started, and oh, the miles!

The plans and training for Pay It 40-ward are marching on, even as the days grow darker and colder and the holiday mania  insanity joy fills the air around us. 

Here's a great idea from Anne, our Mile 9 Teammate. She has come up with a creative plan for Paying It 40-ward. If you are keen on getting something started and you are crafty, this might be a good suggestion for you, too!

... Thought you’d like to know what my pay-it-40ward project is, as I have already started on it and purchased last night the rest of the materials. Making mittens and hats for the church hat-mitten tree (for men, women and children) or other homeless shelter project in town. I used some yarn I had around to start, and have already completed ½ of a woman’s mitten. Purchased some more yarn and an additional needle size for other mittens and the hats last night. Office Manager Michelle thinks it’s a cool idea and is donating some yarn scraps she has around to me for this as well....

Thanks for the inspiration, Anne! If you have a plan in place or in action, please email me so I can share your ideas with everyone. THANKS!

Meanwhile, I have writing up the envelopes and notes that will go to my team members. I could theoretically send a good chunk of them out now but I feel like I want to have a ceremonial 'dump' into the USPS mailbox when they are all ready. (So, now you know what mind-blowingly-awesome tasks I have been up to while watching TV at night.) In true Phoebe Fashion, I am using what I have around the house in order to keep the financial burden of this project focused on the money going to Team Members. In other words, don't get excited that you'll be receiving some gorgeous piece of parchment with dazzling caligraphy!

Yes, the name of the wine is "Mad Housewife. And yes, I can't promise you that everything will be spelled correctly on or in your envelope.

And training. That's actually going really well. I survived my first 'no rest day' weekend. I did 14 on Saturday and 5.5 on Sunday. Saturday's run was tough. Not "I can't do this" tough but more "crap, this is hard" tough. I went out at 6:30 (not too early for me but it still felt ungodly and dark). I have weird blisters on new places on my feet. The running trail I come upon at mile 5 (former railroad track and blessedly flat) that normally is a huge relief was not-so-fun nor fast because there was a thin layer of snow on it which made it just slick enough to stress me out and work weird muscles in my lower legs that I don't normally use. Plus, I just plain missed my BRF (best running friend) since last year at this time we were running together every weekend. Sunday I did yoga for runners early and I ran in the afternoon. I decided to explore a few trails near my house. I got lost. Not "OH GOD, I'M LOST"-lost, just, "huh, I'm not sure where this is going to dump me out"-lost. It was pleasant and slow and .5 miles longer than I intended. 

On the mileage front, I am getting up toward the 40/week mark which is pretty daunting mentally. (Especially when I think about the fact that I'll be up to 50 at the peak of training. ZOINKS!) I just keep thinking "at least I don't need to worry about pace". So there's that! 

Finally, I now have FORTY-ONE team members! Woo hoo! Our dear college pal, Tom, and Elizabeth, one of my Twitter followers from Holderness, NH got on board to be miles 40 and 41. If you are still hoping to be part of the fun and haven't been in touch yet, don't worry! There's always room for more Pay It 40-ward friends! Just shoot me an email and I'll be sure you get all the info you need.

Off to address more envelopes and set my alarm for 4:40. Six miles before 6:00AM tomorrow. WOO HOO! 

The Next Big Thing: Pay It For(ty)ward

I wrote and published yesterday's post pretty quickly. I did this mainly because I didn't want to give myself too much time to change my mind about the undertaking that I will be under taking... which, come to think of it, may require me to utilize an under TAKER if I don't plan and prepare properly!

The idea for Pay It For(ty)ward stems from my looming 40th birthday. I say looming, but quite honestly I am not freaked out about it. I have the benefit of 289 (give or take) older siblings who have faced it before me as well as my husband, who just broke on through to the other side a couple of weeks ago. I am good to go with the Changing of the Decade.

Buuuut... I do kinda want to mark the occasion. A long weekend on a warm beach someplace would be nice. A blow out bash with friends and music and fireworks might be fitting. And a trip to NYC to see a Broadway show sounds fantastic, too. However, since so much of my life (both social media and IRL) are focused on ME ME ME, I want to mark the occasion by focusing on other people. (Though when you get through reading this I think you'll notice that it does all come back to me. What can I say? I live pretty hard in the first person singular!)

As best as I have it figured out in my head at this point, here's the plan:

1. Anytime before the end of 2013, forty* friends/family members/whomever email me and confirm that they want to part of the Pay It For(ty)ward Team. They give me their mailing address.

2. In late 2013 or early 2014, I send out a participation 'kit' to each Team member. The kit will include instructions - most of which a person can get by reading this blog - and $5.

(Ha! If you stop reading here it sounds like a pyramid scheme. I promise it isn't!)

3. Any time before March 1st, each participant will use the $5 (more if they wish) to Pay It For(ty)ward. How they wish to do this is completely up to them. (I will write future posts with suggestions or experiences of those taking part in case people get stuck).

4. Any time before March 7th, each participant will email me with a summary (and maybe a photo?) of their Pay It For(ty)ward experience. These collected experiences will be featured on my blog (anonymously if someone prefers) and in the This American Life broadcast/major motion picture/Broadway musical/theme park ride that will surely evolve out of this. (Think Big, right?)

5. On the weekend of March 15th and 16th (or maybe the next weekend... we still have to work out some logistics on this end) I will run 1 mile* for every Pay It For(ty)ward action that the Team took.

And most importantly...
6. By March 17th (or a week after) at least 40 people will have done something good for at least 40 other people. And, to quote Miley Cyrus on Saturday Night Live, "that's pretty cool." Oh, and also I will have completed a running challenge that will push me far beyond anything I've ever done before. Shhhh. I'm still in a bit of denial about that part. 

*Because of budget and physical limitations, I am holding the official count to 40 'sponsored' Team members and 40 miles, but obviously if more than 40 people want to participate in this project, that's fantastic!

Obviously, there are lots more details to work out. If you are an eager beaver and want to get on my list right away, you can send me your mailing address now. I would also love to hear your questions, since I'm sure there are pieces of this that I have not explained well or that I haven't even realized need to be worked out. I will be posting more information as I figure things out. I will be looking for locals (or those willing to travel) who might want to join me for some miles (and some beers when it's over!)

The Next Big Thing: Teaser Post

After each of the five marathons I have run, I've gotten a little stuck. There's a definitely let down after the big event has passed. Even when a runner meets or exceeds a goal, I think most would agree that it's a very real phenomenon to be a titch depressed after a race. After my third marathon I was so stuck that my Facebook password was "what'snext?" for almost six months.

Ready for The Next Big  Ultra Thing?!

It's the same feeling I often experience after being in a play or musical. A fantastic experience into which you have put an incredible amount of energy and time, heart and soul... and then it's over. A deflated balloon. Theater people everywhere can vouch for me on this.

If you're not a runner or a theater person, you surely can relate from some other aspect of your life: the big work project is over, the amazing wedding day has passed, graduation has come and gone. And here you are, a big success, looking around saying, "Uuuuuhhhhh, now what?!"

Two weeks post-marathon, I have come up with a smidgen of a plan as to "what's next" for me. (Beware of long, hot showers. That's where this idea was sparked and methinks now that I've put it into motion it's going to require a GREAT deal from me. 'S all good, though.)

I still need to put together a coherent write up/strategy to achieve my goal,  but for now here are five things that my Next Big Thing involves:

1. You
2. Me
3. Good deeds
4. March 15/16, 2014
5. Many miles

Intrigued? Hope so! More information will be forthcoming soon. I hope many of you will join me, virtually or in real life, on this little mid-life crisis project!