The commentary in my head today on my run was all over the place. This blog post will be all over the place, too.
I've been talking and thinking a lot about the fire in my belly lately. I can't wrap my head around how to get it back. I kept picturing my belly, literally, and in it there were charred, wet logs that would not light. I pictured asking people to send me matches or lighters in the mail. Then I pictured the media attention I would receive for causing a USPS terrorist scare. No such thing as bad publicity? Maybe not....
I talked to my therapists. Told them I don't feel sore enough to be training for 26.2. I don't feel like I'm pushing myself hard enough. I don't feel like I WANT to push myself any harder. One of my new running heroes, who's marathon PR is actually slower than mine, is training for a race on 10/10/10. I have looked at her workout schedule and it just makes me weep.... How does she DO that??? In a way, she runs "for a living"... but it's not like she doesn't have a Varsity job, 3 kids, house, husband.... and all the obligations I do. What's wrong with me??
It's a shame that I didn't realize last October that I was preparing for and running probably the best race of my life. That 3:46:04 was as close to a miracle as these legs are ever going to give me. I guess that's how life always works, though. We don't always understand in the middle of the greatest moments that they are, actually, the greatest moments. And then they are gone and all we can do is look back and wish we had enjoyed it more.
Right now I don't wake up in the morning and grin slyly thinking about how much faster I am and more determined I am than most of the people I know. I don't go to bed excited about putting my shoes on and getting the flashlight out and trip-trapping down the road.
In fact... lately the only time I'm happy about running is WHEN I'm actually running. Well, I'm pretty happy about it directly after the run: "Phew. I'm done. Glad I did that.... Why do I suck?" (See, the narrative changes mere moments after I'm finished with the miles!)
I am committed to this marathon on September 26th but I really have to change my attitude if it's going to be anything besides horrible. Maybe it's time to change my focus. Maybe I'm not a runner, really. Maybe I am a lady who used to run.
But then, what am I?