Sunday, May 27, 2012

Evil Doers Cured!

Darling, 6-week-old Gabriel, finally pooped last night. He had gone 10 days (TEN!) without a movement and it was getting unnerving, to say the least. He was happy and normal most of the time but about 10 minutes after eating he would have horrible spasms in his belly. His screams are fairly remarkable and the only solution to the problem is stopping the world around him, holding him facing out with pressure on his belly, and waiting patiently for the noxious fumes to emit from his bowels. His gas was getting progressively more difficult to pass and progressively stinkier.

I'm not a completely horrible parent. I did contact his pediatrician's office a few times. They said I was welcome to come in and have him checked but being child number 3, I just KNEW he would get it out and we would figure it out. His belly was not swollen, he was still eating and peeing and sleeping okay at night.... (Plus, in my life arranging to get him to a doctor's appointment takes an Act of Congress, or at the very least becomes a 3-ring circus.) I made an appointment for Tuesday afternoon in case he hadn't gone by then but thankfully I can cancel that.

I also took him to my chiropractor who massaged his belly and did some manipulating of his sacrum. He did NOT love being in the office and getting himself all checked out, but there was a dramatic drop in his fussiness after his first visit. I definitely think her expert hands found the right spots to ease at least some of the pain.

Finally on Friday night when I was changing his diaper I noticed that there was some swelling around his rectum. ("Rectum? Damn near killed 'um!") That was when I finally decided to give him a bottle of water with some fruit juice in it. I was reluctant to do that because he's SUCH a baby right now and it seems crazy to offer him anything except breast milk. He had 2 oz of water mixed with 1 oz of grape juice Friday night. He had the same mixture Saturday morning. And finally (after I got to the grocery store) on Saturday evening he had 2 oz of prune juice mixed with 2 oz of water.

It was during the prune juice bottle that his bowels released. WOOO HOOOO! It actually wasn't nearly as much as you would think. And I was prepared to see very dry, rock hard nuggets but it was very loose. Sorry. Very gross. But it's weird that it was that "easy" version of poo and yet he held on to it for so long. Isn't that weird?? He had another 3 dirty diapers over night, none of which were remarkable in anyway.

So, what the hell does this have to do with curing evil doers? I have a new theory:

Mean people are constipated.

Seeing what not going for so long did to my innocent little baby, I've concluded that most of the evil that occurs in the world is caused by a lack of bowel movements. Think about how you feel when you can't go. It's horrible, right? So, imagine that for 10 days! I'm betting with a little research and creativity I could create a mathematical formula based on this "science". Perhaps I'll call it "Gabriel's Poop to Evil Scale".

Some examples:

When he went on his series of horrible antisemitic rants, Mel Gibson must have gone 6 or 8 days without pooping.

Attila the Hun must have gone at least 2 weeks during his raids.

Hitler did not poop after the age of 14 or 15.
To think, all he needed was a little Exlax.

Please help further this important research. Here's how!

Think of somebody who annoys the crap (HA!) out of you or that you find unpleasant most of the time. Go ask them the last time they pooped. My guess is they will say at least 3 days. Report back to me with the number of days and a short description of the evil or annoying acts committed by your subject. I'm pretty sure I'm on to something here... I smell a dissertation!

(Smell. HA!)

1 comment:

  1. G'pa Barden always threatened us with a laxative if we showed signs of crankiness. I believe you are on the same page....