Totally On Purpose: Purgatory Days

It's hard to believe Baby TOP had only been an idea for 12 days when things got scary. Here are my thoughts from the upsetting days of late August. It's taking a ton of self-control not to edit these to make them sound "better"/more coherent... but I am leaving them as I wrote them. (Well, I added the bold for the dates.) Other than that, this is exactly what I wrote.



Dear Baby TOP,

August 20, 2011.

I fear you are gone.

Crushed.

Trying to keep hope.

Trying to be normal.

I want my mommy.


Dear Baby TOP,

Today is August 21.

Yesterday I woke up on Cape Cod. We packed up to come home and got here uneventfully. I didn't run in the morning because my right heel was bothering me.

Dad had to run to the hardware store in town so I was home with Tom & Elliott folding some laundry and trying to get unpacked. I suddenly felt something a little odd and went to the bathroom where I saw a little bit of blood. That never happened to me with your brothers so I was a little concerned... but it was such a small amount I didn't worry to much. Then, I felt more.

I called my doctor's office but since it was Saturday I knew I would get the answering service. Someone - not my regular doctor - called back and confirmed that I ought to go to the ER. So, I called Dad and he rushed home.

We got the the ER and I knew the bleeding was continuing. The boys, bless them, just went along for the ride and thought it was weird that I needed to go to the ER even though I didn't seem that sick.

They got me in pretty quickly. My vitals were all good and before they did anything, they wanted to draw some blood. They wanted to confirm I was type A+ (I was pretty sure but given my mental state, didn't want to bank on it) because if I was negative they would need to give me a special shot (can't remember the name) . The other draws were for checking my hormone levels.

The boys and Scott went into town to get ice cream and kill some time... they were so patient and good for him. Thank heavens.

After a LONG time waiting, the PA came in and said my levels were right on for someone who was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant. What I would need to do it go home, relax (HA!) and get in touch with my doctor on Monday. I will need more blood drawn to check more hormone levels again. If I've had a miscarriage then they will have gone down.

It's not Darfur. Millions of millions of people go through this. But it is a pretty horrible purgatory.

Holding on to hope.


Dear Baby TOP,

August 22.

I have an appointment at 3:30 today with my midwife. I don't know how quickly or when I'll find out what's happening with you. I wanted to just go to the hospital in town and get the blood work done. The results could be in in an hour. But, that's not what's happening.

I can distract myself a lot of the time. But it catches up with me at odd moments.

It's important for me to remember there are bigger troubles in the world. My friend is having her last round of chemo today. At church yesterday the list of dead soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan was longer than I'd ever seen it. Dozens and dozens.....

Meanwhile, Dad is a maniac trying to fix up the house inside and out. I get it and I appreciate it.

Now I know how Purgatory feels.